


Hard Planes

by NightOfTheLand



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: I'm sorry John I really do adore you, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 03:56:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6688237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightOfTheLand/pseuds/NightOfTheLand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he met Alex, and by met he meant was run headlong into by a whirlwind of black hair and frantic energy, he was a little leery of men. But Alex was infectious. His smile drew John in. It was like he had never seen the sun until he saw Alexander Hamilton smiled at him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hard Planes

**Author's Note:**

> This is a follow up to my story [Soft Curves](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6659128) in which I torture poor John some more. I just want him to be happy, and yet for some reason I can't seem to write him being happy. Anyway, this is what I did instead of studying, so enjoy!

John was 20 when it happened. A guy in his molecular biology class- Dave. He was cute, in a manly man sort of way. Hair longer than it should have been though. But with enough scruff to excuse it. He'd eyed John since they met and John wasn't about to say no if that fine man wanted to take him for coffee.

It finally happened a few days after their final, at a party, everyone a little boozy, and Dave had backed him into a wall, all teeth and tongue, but John had liked it. The wall became the owner of the apartment’s bed, Dave’s hand down John’s pants, filth spilling from his lips as he jerked him off. The hard lines of Dave’s body had felt right, had felt like coming home in a way, and Dave’s hand on his cock, God it was good.

John had begged to be fucked, had begged with little whimpers of pleasure and desire, and Dave was tugging his jeans down, pushing him down bent over the bed, fingers slick with spit, fingering him open. John winced with each intrusion, before the fingers were replaced with a hard cock. He had cried, pain overwhelming before a hand returned to his cock, jerking him off in time with the sharp, painful thrusts into his body. Dave had pulled out to come all over his back, before tucking himself back in his jeans and leaving John a mess, draped over the bed.

He had panicked, face down on a stranger’s bed, the come of another practical stranger drying on his skin, the same stranger he had just let fuck him without a condom. John had picked himself up, and dragged himself back to his apartment, ignoring his roommate, locking himself in the bathroom, sitting in the shower until the water ran cold, scrubbing his skin until it turned pink. It was several days before he convinced himself to get tested and he had cried in relief when it came back negative.

Over the summer they occasionally ran into each other, at the grocery, in the local coffee shop, the usual uncomfortable places to run into the man who had fucked you and then left. John tried his best to ignore the nasty voice in the back of his head that told him that that was the only kind of attention he deserved.

He had on and off again relationship during the next year or so, men who only wanted him for his body, who wanted to “fuck his pretty little mouth” or “wreck his ass” and always left his skin crawling and wanting nothing more than to end it all. His relationships never lasted long, his roommate expressing their concern as John slipped further and further into a depression; the only thing that didn’t suffer was his school work, throwing himself into school so that he forgot everything around him.

So when he met Alex, and by met he meant was run headlong into by a whirlwind of black hair and frantic energy, he was a little leery of men. But Alex was infectious. His smile drew John in. It was like he had never seen the sun until he saw Alexander Hamilton smiled at him. And when those sharp black eyes were fixed on him, that stare unavoidable, John felt like Alex could see into his very soul. But while those eyes were sharp, they were also soft when the black met the hazel of John’s. It wasn't long before they were spending every waking moment together, sometimes talking, sometimes studying, all the time pressed side by side.

The topic of sex never came up. They never did more than kiss, maybe a little heavy petting on John’s old rickety sofa, but Alex would always stop before they got any further. John wanted to respect Alex, but he needed to know. John knew he was dirty, had done horrible things, had been tainted by his past lovers, and he didn't want to share that with Alex, but at the same time he couldn't stop thinking about Alex’s mouth and his body and the outline that his hard dick made in his jeans. If the bulge wasn't lying - and they very rarely did - then dear God, John couldn't wait to have him in his mouth, in his ass, hell anywhere. If there was one thing John Laurens had become good at it was sex, and he wanted to make Alex feel as good as he made John feel.

Alex was generally accepting of John’s awkwardness, the times he forgot things because he was studying, the times he was running late. Between the two of them, Alex was still the more chronically late, the chronically more forgetful, but that was neither here nor there. John was slowly falling and it scared him. Every little indulgent smile, or coyly bitten lip, or hidden look of pride when Alex sat in the back of the presentation room watching John with those eyes as John gave a talk on his most recent research, made John’s heart hurt because he knew it could never last.

Which lead him to laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Alex was in class until 3 and John had just gotten home, exhaustion tugging at him. But his mind was whirling a mile a second, the conflict between his head and heart making concentrating on school work difficult. He had abandoned his books in favor of his bed, and now he couldn’t find the motivation to return to his work. He needed to know, no, he wanted to know why they hadn’t had sex yet, why Alex hadn’t wanted to fuck him. Was he that broken? Could Alex tell, and was just with him out of pity?

He heard the front door open and close, the sound of Alex padding his way back to John’s room, and then Alex’s voice complaining loudly about Jefferson again and how incompetent the other man was and how much he would love nothing more than to shove the “inbred, Virginian asshole” in front of the milk truck.

John let Alex’s voice wash over him, feeling himself smile unconsciously, the flailing gestures the other man made to make his point making something feel tight in John’s chest. He pushed himself up on to his hands, watching Alex pace around the room, hair half out of it’s bun, eyes wide and full of passion. He was beautiful like this, beautiful and perfect and amazing and even if he was talking about tying bricks to Jefferson’s feet and dropping him in the Hudson, John still couldn’t get enough. Until something burst inside him, and he couldn’t stop the words from falling from his lips.

“Why haven’t we had sex yet?”

Alex stopped his pacing, frozen in the middle of a word, eyes going impossibly wider as he stared at John. There was a moment of tense silence, and dread washed over John, his heart sinking as the other man blinked his large eyes at him owlishly. John couldn’t meet his gaze, looking away, body going tense. He always fucked up a good thing, it seemed to be his special talent in life. “Forget I said anything, shit, Alex, I’m sorry,” he managed to get out through the sharp and shallow breathes that he recognized as panic.

“John,” Alexander’s voice was soft, even as he reached for him, John flinched making Alex drawback, “John,” he said again, this time worried. Dark eyes stared him, worry clear in those amazing depth. The bed sank on the edge as Alex sat down, far enough away to keep John from feeling trapped. Alex reached for him again, and John let him rest a hand tentatively on his bare arm. “John,” Alex repeated as if he couldn’t say anything else.

A sob caught in John’s chest and he shuddered with it, and he didn’t know why he was crying. Two strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him into a strong chest, clever fingers stroking his mess of curls, the smell of Alex washing over his senses. It felt like home, it smelled like home, and John dragged in a shuddering breath. There was buzzing in his head, like static, drowning out whatever Alex was saying to him, but he knew the other man was talking, he could feel it from where his face was pressed against his chest.

“Alex,” he murmured, his voice scratchy, eyes squeezed shut, pressing his nose into Alex’s shirt, just breathing in the smell of the other man. Arms tightened around him, smushing him further into that firm chest, so close he could hear the gentle beating of the heart beneath the flesh and bone, sending blood to lungs and then out through the body, feeding the organs that kept the man alive, feeding that incredible mind. John sucked in breaths to match that steady heartbeat, focusing on that steady beat and the soft fingers in his hair.

He let out a shuddering breath after a few minutes, pushing himself away from Alex, feeling those concerned eyes watching him as he carded a hand through his hair, dragging a hand down his face pointedly avoiding Alex’s gaze. John scooted away from the other man, until his back was against the wall, drawing his knees up to his chest, curling in on himself. Alex stayed where he was, but his eyes never left John.

“John,” Alex’s voice was soft, “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to, but I want to know that I am here if- when- if you want to talk.”

Silence stretched between them for a long minute, before John looked up to see Alex still watching him. He knew what he was going to see - pity and disgust in those eyes- but all he saw was concern and something he couldn’t place. He swallowed hard, pulling his knees tighter to him, resting his chin on his knees, watching Alex watch him. The other man gave him a tiny smile, tucking a strand of escaped stick straight black hair behind his ear.

“I’m sorry,” John’s voice was soft, and Alex’s smile fell, and he moved up the bed to kneel next to him, hands out as if he was reaching for John but thought better of it.

Alex sat back on his heels, letting his hands drop into his lap, looking down at his hands, palms up, before he looked back up at John, “Can I hold you?”

After a moment of thought John nodded, letting Alex wrap those strong arms about around him, resting his chin on top of John’s head, “You have nothing to be sorry for, John,” lips pressed against his hair, and John squeezed his eyes shut again, shivering in Alex’s hold. They sat like that for a long few minutes, John certain that this was going to be the end of their relationship, that voice back in his head telling him that he always fucked things up, that there was no way Alex was going to stay after this.

“It isn’t because I don’t want you,” Alex’s voice broke his thoughts, loud in the silence of the room. John pulled away to look up at him slightly, blinking away the tears that had gathered again, meeting Alex’s gaze, frowning in confusion. “Your question,” Alex said by way of explanation, waving a hand as if that would help explain, “It’s not because I don’t want you, because I do, very much, but I want it to be special, like I really like you, and I don’t want to fuck it up and the time just hasn’t been right and I think I might be a little in love with you and I don’t want to fuck up….”

Anything else Alex said after that was white noise in John’s ears. He blinked several times at the other man, waiting for his brain to catch up with his mouth. A fine flush went high on Alex’s cheeks as he realized what he said, his mouth snapping shut, eyes going wide again. John raised a trembling hand to touch Alex’s cheek, giving him a watery smile, “No one has said that to me before and meant it.”

Alex was, for once, silent as John traced the flush that colored his cheeks, down the side of his face, trailing a finger over his lips. He let out a little laugh that was more sob than laugh, letting himself burry his face into Alex’s chest again, sniffling as he felt his own face go red.This man, this amazing beautiful man, had said he loved him and here John was crying at him, and he couldn’t stop crying damn it.

Lips pressed against his hair again, and Alex let his hands stroke down his back making soothing noises. “I mean it,” Alex whispered holding him, stroking his hair and his skin and muttering gentle things, a solid presence for John to hold onto. The beat of his heart was strong against John’s ear and he let it lull him into a trance that became a nap, lulled to sleep surrounded by strong arms and the comforting smell of Alex.

It was a few days later, after yet another breakdown from John, telling Alex everything, all the things, pouring his soul to this man, this amazing man who said he loved him with no conditions, who held him as he let it all out, when Alex broached the subject. He had sat down on the couch next to John, the tv on in the background for noise as John read for class. It was a Friday night, but that didn’t mean the homework ever ended. John had acknowledged his presence with a smile, scooting over to make room, his boyfriend’s warm presence enough to make staying in and doing homework on a Friday night almost worth it.

“So I was thinking,” Alex started, and John looked up at him, smirking slightly, “Never a good sign,” John quipped before sobering at the look on Alex’s face. Setting his book aside, he turned to face the other man on the couch, giving him his full attention.

“I was thinking,” Alex started again, pausing, waiting to see if John would say anything, instead he got a small nod and a smile, “I was thinking, and you don’t have to say yes, or say anything at all, in fact, we don’t even have to talk about it if you don’t want to but I thought it might be-”

“Alex, you’re rambling,” John interrupted, reaching out to take the other man’s hands, lacing their fingers together. Since his break down there had been more casual touching, more sweet kisses and hair petting and hand holding, and John wasn’t going to complain, every touch of Alex’s skin on his made his heart sing.  

“Right,” the other man nodded, pausing, staring down at where their hands were entwined, lips curving up in a tiny smile, “I was thinking,” John gave a huff of laugh, Alex giving a tight smile, continuing, “that we could try tonight.”

John blinked at him, mind grinding to a halt before it whired back to life, a thousand thoughts flying in every direction. Did he mean, he must mean… John let his eyes fall closed, taking a deep breath. Alex pulled his hand free and John’s heart sank even more, until those strong hands cupped his face. “John,” Alex’s voice was close now, his breath ghosting against John’s skin, “I don't want to do anything you aren't comfortable with, but I would really like to have you,” his face turned bright red, voice cracking as he finished, “inside me.”

“Wait,” John was confused, no one had ever wanted him on top, his features too girlish, hair too long, mouth too pretty, ass too tight. And he had liked it, being on the bottom, he did, he did like it, but he'd never…. He shook his head, “Alex, I don't want to hurt you.”

Alex gave him a winning smile, eyes lighting up, hands not leaving his face, pressing against his cheeks, beaming, before pressing a quick kiss to his lips, “You won't! You won't hurt me, I trust you.”

He shook his head, “You've never done this before then,” he muttered mostly to himself. Alex ran a thumb over his cheekbone before letting his hands fall away, tangling his fingers with John’s again. “No,” Alex agreed, “But you won't hurt me, we’ll go slow, I promise.”

The other man looked so hopeful and excited and he could see unveiled desire shining in the unfathomable depths of Alexander’s eyes, John just sighed looking down at their hands. It wasn't like John didn't want this, he did, he wanted Alex more than anything, but him hurting he could take, but Alex in pain? That might kill him.

“Are you sure?” John’s voice was low, and Alex gave his fingers a little squeeze, “I trust you,” he said. There was a pause before Alex spoke again, “Unless you don't want to…”

John jerked his eyes up to look at Alex, the other man biting his lower lip in worry. “Of course I do, I just, it always hurts, Alex,” he said softly, “It always hurts, and I don't want to hurt you.”

Sadness clouded over Alex’s features before he leaned in and kissed John. This kiss was different, it held a promise of what was to come, and it made John’s heart both sing and cry at the thought. Alex was quick to press his tongue against John’s lips, and he parted then easily, sighing into the kiss, letting himself melt into Alex’s touch. Clever fingers wound in his curls, while that even cleverer tongue danced with his, curling around his, claiming John’s mouth as his own. John returned the favor, letting his hands roam over the hard planes of Alex’s back, feeling the muscles shift under skin, as he pushed John back onto the couch, climbing into his lap.

They had done this before, had gotten as far as pulling shirts over their heads and pressing naked chest to naked chest. So John just left Alex’s fingers dance down his body and back up under his shirt, pulling at his nipples, pressing his chest up into clever hands, moaning into Alex’s mouth. John was quick to return the favor tugging Alex’s hoodie up over his head, only for him to get tangled in the layers. Alex’s laughter was infectious, just like the rest of him, and when he finally emerged from the tangled clothing, his hair was everywhere and he was flushed and grinning. “Now that that's done,” he quipped, tossing the offending piece of clothing to the floor, running his hands down John’s chest, over each defined muscle.

John shivered at the cool touch, tucking a piece of stray hair behind Alex’s ear before letting his hands rest of the hard lines of Alex’s chest. This was familiar. This he could do. Alex, all man above him, hard and flat but soft in the right places. John’s hands tracked down and around to cup Alex’s ass, even as the other man leaned in to press their lips back together. The moan Alex gave when John gave his ass a teasing squeeze set John’s blood on fire. The battle of their tongues turned more heated now, Alex beginning to move his body again John, rolling his hips down against John’s, his hardness clear through his sweatpants.

“Fuck, John,” Alex panted as he pulled back for a breath, dark eyes lit with want, “Take me to bed?”

John moaned and arched up into him, letting Alex feel his desire, even as the other man was clambering off his lap, taking his hand, leading him towards the bedroom. John’s heart was pounding in his chest, desire and adrenaline coursing through his veins, along with anxiety. He wanted this to be good for Alexander, wanted it to be so good for him.

John’s belt was abandoned by the door, the button of his jeans popped and the zipper down before they got through the threshold, his jeans tugged down his legs and left in a pile on the way to the bed. Alex shimmied out of his sweat pants before he lay down on the bedspread, displaying himself for John to see.

His cock arched proudly towards his stomach, curving a little to one side, standing out from a small thatch of hair that lead up across his chest growing thinner as it went upwards. John was familiar with that hair, having scrapped his blunt nails through it many times, and against the gentle curve of Alex’s belly. John couldn't stop staring at Alexander's cock though. It was longer than he had had, a little thinner, but John didn't care. It felt wonderful in his hand as he carefully wrapped his fingers around Alex, eyes darting up to see Alex watching him with a wicked gleam in his eye.

Alex gave him a pointed look and for some reason he felt himself flush as he pulled his boxers down, letting his hard cock spring free, and he stood there letting Alex look at him. “Fuck, John, look at you,” Alex’s voice was low and rough with arousal, as he sat up to reach for John, tugging him down on to the bed by his wrist. John lay on top of Alex, naked bodies flush to one another, hands exploring as lips met again. Under him, Alex began arching his hips up, his cock already leaking pre-come, leaving wetness against John’s thigh.

“John,” Alex sighed, his hand finding John’s cock and taking him in hand. It was a rough drag of fingers and John gritted his teeth, bearing it, he wanted Alex to feel good. Concern bloomed in his chest when Alex pulled away, squirming under him, before he realized he was reaching for the bedside table. John had missed the bottle of lube and box of condoms that had been set out, and a flash of something went through him as Alex returned with the lube.

Lips were back on his as they shifted positions, John on his back, Alex half on top of him, his now slick hand stroking John’s hardness. Little moans were coming readily now, their tongues still tangled together, Alex brushing the head of John’s cock with every upstroke. “I'm gonna come, Alex,” John gasped, arching up into his hand, but Alex pulled away, making soft cooing noises at him when he whined in frustration.

“I still want you inside me,” Alex whispered, leaning in to kiss him again. John sighed against his lips, threading his fingers in raven locks, pulling them from the already messed up bun. They kissed for what seemed like an age, Alex making little noises against his lips and it took John a minute to realize that he had one arm tucked behind him. John pulled away from the kiss to look down their bodies, heart skipping a beat when he saw Alex’s hand twisted at an odd angle and he knew the other man had at least one finger inside himself.

John met his eyes and Alex grinned at him, all traces of the shy man that had been on the couch suggesting this gone. He, instead, was replaced by a little tease, as he took John’s hand, smearing some lube on his fingers and guided it to his entrance. Alex already had one finger inside himself, and he moaned, pressing his face into John’s chest as he guided John’s finger inside him alongside his own. “John,” he panted, against his skin, arching back into John’s hand.

The tightness of Alexander was not unexpected, but still John was amazed. He was warm and smooth inside, tight around his finger, and he could feel Alex pulling away, leaving just John. “Give me another,” Alex breathed, handing John the lube. It was messy, John unable to see what he was doing but he slicked another finger and pressed back into Alex’s tight body. “Good, oh god, that's good, fuck yeah,” Alex panted as John twisted his fingers slightly, listening for any sounds that Alex might be in distress. “Now, spread them, open me up baby,” Alex was kissing at John’s chest, biting at his skin lightly as John did as he was told, scissoring his fingers open.

Alex gasped, and rutted against John’s thigh, body going tight around John’s fingers before relaxing, “Yeah, that's it, oh god, John.”

It was like his voice had been stolen from him, unable to speak as he moved his fingers inside Alex’s body, opening the man. A third finger was added following yet more lube at Alex’s instructions, and John felt something twist in his chest. His past lovers had barely given him two, if that, claiming it kept him tight. He shuddered at the memory, phantom pain going through him as Alex clenched around his fingers, lube making a wet sound as they moved.

Alex sat up slightly to look at John, his face was flushed, eyes wild with need, “I want you, please,” he murmured, kissing John again letting out a tiny moan, eyes fluttering with pleasure as John pulled his fingers out with a wet sound.

They fumbled for a moment with the condom, Alex free with his laughter as they rolled it over John’s weeping cock together, Alex’s hand light as he slicked him up. John rested his hands on Alex’s hips as the other hand hovered over his cock, head pressed against his entrance, dark eyes boring a hole into his. Slowly, Alex sank down, mouth falling open eyes never leaving John's. John gasped out his name, his body tight around his cock, he had never felt this before, had never thought it could feel like this, never thought being inside someone could be this amazing. Unbidden his thoughts flashed back to a hurried teenaged fumble, the soft body, the breast pressed against his chest, but Alex moaned low and long as he sank all the way down. John focused on the man on top of him, his hair had fallen in his face, and urging his muscles to cooperate, John reached up to tuck it behind his ears. Alex’s face was scrunched up in something that was a cross between pain and pleasure and John made a panicked noise.

“Wait, John,” Alex gasped out, a hand firm on John’s chest, “I'm fine, just, you feel so good.” John stared at him for a moment, watching as the pain faded from his lover’s face and the lines smoothed into pleasure. Dark eyes fixed on him again, “God, you feel so good,” he said, before chuckling again. John had never heard this much this much laughter during sex before- a fact he would mention to Alex after and Alex would then seek to remedy.

His grin was crooked, “Well, we both have a first,” he said before he pushing himself up, drawing a moan from John.

John wasn't sure what happened next, between the tightness surrounding, the noises Alex was making as he rode his cock, the creak of the bed, the gasped pants and moans and bitten off cries, Alex’s body clenching around him, tears leaking from his eyes as he came with a shout, his hand finding Alex to send him tumbling over the edge with him. It was all a blur, even as Alex lay curled up against him, sweat and Alex’s come cooling in their skin, the condom disposed of. John was stroking Alex’s hair gently, eyes closed in silent bliss, the other man pressing tiny kisses everywhere he could reach without moving.

“I love you,” Alex whispered against his skin.

John’s eyes flew open and he froze. It had been the first time since the night of his breakdown that Alex had said those words. He shook himself, and made his hand return to its motion, pulling Alex closer to him if possible, turning his head to plant a kiss in Alex’s sweat soaked hair.

“I love you, too,” John whispered back. And for once, once in his miserable life, he lay sated in bed, wrapped around a man who had seen all of John’s flaws, knew all of John’s faults, knew John’s darkness, for once John felt like those words meant something.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for sinning with me. If you like it please let me know. As always let me know if there are any mistakes or errors. 
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://nightoftheland.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Check out my canon era [Hamilton series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/381985)
> 
> And my modern era [series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/438031)
> 
> Thanks again for reading!
> 
> If there are negative comments about how these characters are depicted, keep them to yourself please. I have done my best to take into consideration the... advice I have been given, so if I have failed in your eyes, I do not want to hear about it. Have a lovely day, and thanks again.


End file.
